I have one very clear memory from high school that sums up my academic/professional existence thus far. I was in the dinning hall, getting lunch and worrying about an upcoming exam. I'm not sure what subject it was, but I think it must have been one of the humanities because the argument I was having in my head was over whether or not I should spend my time and effort studying a subject that I never planned on using again. I knew what I wanted to do with my life and studying the classics or reading about people long gone was not it. So why would I need an A-level grasp of US History?
I'll tell you why...
Because if I don't have good grades in high school, I'll never get into a good college. If I don't get into a good college I'll never get into a good vet school. If I don't get into a good vet school then I'll never get an internship and if I don't get an internship I'll never get a residency.
Yes, that is the logic my 15 year old self used to motivate me to study harder. I have wanted to be a veterinarian ever since I was able to form the words. And because of my unique ability to compartmentalize my life into tiny neat little packages that never overlap, and the fact that for a very long time, my life had very few compartments, I was able to function quite well with this myopic mindset.
I got into a good college, a great vet school, one of the toughest internships out there and a residency at the largest teaching hospital in the country. But unfortunately that's where my planning ended. I spent so much time worrying about how to get to the next step, that I forgot to look up and figure out what I wanted to do at the end.
The other problem what that life had become more complicated, there were more compartments than I knew what to do with. Now if you had asked me a set of questions at any stage of this journey, I would have quickly been able to give answers;
-Do you want to work full time as a veterinarian? YES
-Do you want to be the best in your field? YES
-Do you want to get married? YES
-Do you want kids? YES
-Do you want to spend lots of time with your family? YES
-Do you want to have horses? YES
-Do you want to show at the top level? YES
-Do you want to keep playing rugby*? YES
-Do you want to be one of the best players in the country? YES
-Do you want to live on a farm? YES
-Do you want to live in the city**? YES
Have you noticed the problem here? Despite the popular phrase, you actually CANNOT give 110%. There is only one of you and physics dictates that matter cannot be created or destroyed, so the 100% of yourself that you have, is all you've got to work with. So where did I go wrong? Math and physics were some of my strongest subjects. How could I be so off on my calculations?
The compartments. That's right. Look at the list again, but group the questions into compartments. Can I be both a vet and be the best? Sure, just need a PhD and to devote my life to work. How about getting married, having kids and spending time with them? Yup, people out there do it everyday. Have horses and show every weekend all year long, traveling to Florida in the winters, Vermont in the summers? No, problem that's how I spent most of my childhood. Play rugby at the highest level possible, train everyday and travel every weekend? Can Do! Live on a farm? Duh, where else am I going to keep the horses? Live in the city? Of course, I was born there, I love the frantic energy, where else would I want to live?
When separated out into the subsets of my life, each of these goals seem easily attainable (remember, I am obnoxiously ambitious). But if I gave 100% to each of my compartments, we'd be talking about a roughly 500% person (which is impossible) or, if I split my efforts, I'd only be giving 20% to each goal (which just isn't going to pass any test, not even with a curve).
So now I am faced with the task of decompartmentalizing. Of combining the parts I want, and letting go of ones that I have been hanging onto for too long.
Difficult? Hell yes.
Impossible? I sure hope not. But I'll let you know how it goes.
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